CNF-Cancer

"She can't know! I'm serious; it would kill her if she ever found out."

"Honey, I'm not going to tell her, I promise." I can hear him let out a sigh.

What are they talking about? My parents are never secretive; they usually tell us what is going on. My body starts to stiffen, like a wooden board.

"What are we going to do Jason? We can't let the kids find out, they wouldn't deal with it well.  We both know that." My mom's voice is shaking.  Something is really wrong.  Mother is the strong one.  She always helps people in need and knows just what to say in every situation.  But she doesn't know what to do now?

My body begins to tremble.  I want to see what's going on, maybe if I lie down on the floor and crawl up to their door I can see under the door?  I look underneath the door, but all I can see is shadows.  My mom is pacing back and fourth, my dad just sitting completely still on the bed.

"It's going to be okay.  We are going to get through this, as a family.  You can fight this.  I know you can.  I believe in you."  There is a little tremble in his voice.  Is he starting to cry? My dad?  Crying? "The doctors know what they are doing, and have so much  they can do to help.  Babe we just have to trust in them, and everything is going to be fine!"  I could hear the strength in his voice, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than my mom.

"I know that, but it's still cancer.  I can't have cancer at 32, I just can't.  It's not possible!" She starts to weep.  I hear her to try catch her breath, but the moment she does she starts to cry again.

My mom has cancer! What? No, that can't be!  We all just went out to the movies.  She was fine last week, she was fine last month, and hell she was fine last night.  The doctors must be wrong; they make mistakes all the time.  Right?

I see my mom's shadow stop pacing and go over to where my dad was sitting on the bed.  The two shadows become one.  My mom starts to cry hysterically in my dad's arms.  "You are going to survive.  Our family is going to be fine.  The doctors will make it all go away.  We will be fine.  You will be fine." He strokes her hair gently. "It's okay.  We are okay."

CNF- Memories

Have you ever had those days that you know for a fact you will remember them for the rest of your life? You can remember every last little detail. The smell of your mother's sweet perfume, the small smile spreading across her face when she looks at you and you’re gazing up at her, and the exact clothes she was wearing. I will always remember the way that she gracefully placed the golden brown eye shadow upon her lids.



I will always remember the fights that I had with my sister. How many times I screamed at her saying, "I f*cking hate you!" The sad part is, I can't remember many times where we got along and said, "I love you." I remember every time I glared at her, wishing that one day I would come home and she would be gone. Evaporated like mist in the air.



We all have those days that we remember every little tiny detail. No matter how many times you replay it in your head it always stays the same. Me, in my favorite shorts and black tank top, going to hang out with him. Worst mistake of my life. I can still taste his mouth; the mix of cigarettes and weed. Smoking every day never able to go more than an hour before having to smoke more cigarettes or get high again. I can still feel him on top of me, making sure I stay put. Making sure that his weight was on me enough that I couldn't get away if I even tried. Making sure that he was in control.



Those days when I feel like I can't take it anymore. My body wanting to fold into itself and collapse on my bed for the rest of my life. Crying so hard, my eyes are bloodshot and I finally find some peace in my sleep. My parent's convinced I'm on drugs, not thinking that maybe something was wrong.



I will always remember those days. May they be good days, or may they be days that I thought would be the end of me.

CNF-Growing is Forever

Life. For some it goes on for ever!
It takes a long time to grow. It doesn't just happen over night.
We all make connections with other that come into our lives.
They are forever engraved on our souls; Forever in our hearts; Forever part of us.

How will you be remembered by those that have come in contact with you?
Will you have impacted their live as much as they have impacted yours?

Growing doesn't happen over night.  It takes so long, and isn't always easy.
We go through to many challenges to grow even the tiniest bit.

Growing really is Forever!

Dear Past Me,

Dear Past Me,

Life isn’t easy.  In fact, you will go through more challenges than you think you can handle.  More times than once, you will want to just crawl in a hole and stay there forever. 

You will hate high school.  It’s not somewhere that you will want to go everyday.  High school is the place that you will meet the one person who single handedly stole everything from you.  Stole your childhood.  Stole your past, present, and what will feel like your future.  And stole most importantly your innocence.  You won’t know what to do for a while after he shatters your soul.  Everyday will be a constant battle and reminder of what he did to you.  Unfortunately, you will learn nothing can mask the pain.

You will have some good times though.  They may be few and far between but you will have some.  Keep those close to you, so if you feel like you can’t go on you can always look back. 

Parents, there is no way to get away from all the yelling they are going to do.  You will have to suck it up and take it.  They will yell at you on a weekly basis.  The sad part is that you will get used to it. 

Your life will be hard.  You won’t have the “cake-walk” that others have.  You’re going to have to work harder than everyone else just to try to stay afloat.  Life won’t be like the movies for you, it’s going to be a challenge.  You will learn a tremendous amount though.  And in the end, you will become a strong person.

Everything is going to feel like an eternity.  It won’t be longer than a year though.  You just need to keep your head up and survive.  When you hit rock bottom remember the only way to go is up!

Future You.

Eyes wide open

First rally of my senior year. Its crazy to think that we are now seniors. It seems like just last year we were freshman. I've been looking back a lot today and realizing that I have grown so much in such a short time. Everyone says that all the time but it really is true. You change more than you even know.

This change you experience can be good or bad. For me its good. At least that's what I think. How I look at life and people is better than how I did 3 years ago. Honestly, its better than even a few months ago. Life changes people. People change lives.

Everything is everchanging.