CNF-Cancer

"She can't know! I'm serious; it would kill her if she ever found out."

"Honey, I'm not going to tell her, I promise." I can hear him let out a sigh.

What are they talking about? My parents are never secretive; they usually tell us what is going on. My body starts to stiffen, like a wooden board.

"What are we going to do Jason? We can't let the kids find out, they wouldn't deal with it well.  We both know that." My mom's voice is shaking.  Something is really wrong.  Mother is the strong one.  She always helps people in need and knows just what to say in every situation.  But she doesn't know what to do now?

My body begins to tremble.  I want to see what's going on, maybe if I lie down on the floor and crawl up to their door I can see under the door?  I look underneath the door, but all I can see is shadows.  My mom is pacing back and fourth, my dad just sitting completely still on the bed.

"It's going to be okay.  We are going to get through this, as a family.  You can fight this.  I know you can.  I believe in you."  There is a little tremble in his voice.  Is he starting to cry? My dad?  Crying? "The doctors know what they are doing, and have so much  they can do to help.  Babe we just have to trust in them, and everything is going to be fine!"  I could hear the strength in his voice, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than my mom.

"I know that, but it's still cancer.  I can't have cancer at 32, I just can't.  It's not possible!" She starts to weep.  I hear her to try catch her breath, but the moment she does she starts to cry again.

My mom has cancer! What? No, that can't be!  We all just went out to the movies.  She was fine last week, she was fine last month, and hell she was fine last night.  The doctors must be wrong; they make mistakes all the time.  Right?

I see my mom's shadow stop pacing and go over to where my dad was sitting on the bed.  The two shadows become one.  My mom starts to cry hysterically in my dad's arms.  "You are going to survive.  Our family is going to be fine.  The doctors will make it all go away.  We will be fine.  You will be fine." He strokes her hair gently. "It's okay.  We are okay."

CNF- Memories

Have you ever had those days that you know for a fact you will remember them for the rest of your life? You can remember every last little detail. The smell of your mother's sweet perfume, the small smile spreading across her face when she looks at you and you’re gazing up at her, and the exact clothes she was wearing. I will always remember the way that she gracefully placed the golden brown eye shadow upon her lids.



I will always remember the fights that I had with my sister. How many times I screamed at her saying, "I f*cking hate you!" The sad part is, I can't remember many times where we got along and said, "I love you." I remember every time I glared at her, wishing that one day I would come home and she would be gone. Evaporated like mist in the air.



We all have those days that we remember every little tiny detail. No matter how many times you replay it in your head it always stays the same. Me, in my favorite shorts and black tank top, going to hang out with him. Worst mistake of my life. I can still taste his mouth; the mix of cigarettes and weed. Smoking every day never able to go more than an hour before having to smoke more cigarettes or get high again. I can still feel him on top of me, making sure I stay put. Making sure that his weight was on me enough that I couldn't get away if I even tried. Making sure that he was in control.



Those days when I feel like I can't take it anymore. My body wanting to fold into itself and collapse on my bed for the rest of my life. Crying so hard, my eyes are bloodshot and I finally find some peace in my sleep. My parent's convinced I'm on drugs, not thinking that maybe something was wrong.



I will always remember those days. May they be good days, or may they be days that I thought would be the end of me.

CNF-Growing is Forever

Life. For some it goes on for ever!
It takes a long time to grow. It doesn't just happen over night.
We all make connections with other that come into our lives.
They are forever engraved on our souls; Forever in our hearts; Forever part of us.

How will you be remembered by those that have come in contact with you?
Will you have impacted their live as much as they have impacted yours?

Growing doesn't happen over night.  It takes so long, and isn't always easy.
We go through to many challenges to grow even the tiniest bit.

Growing really is Forever!

Dear Past Me,

Dear Past Me,

Life isn’t easy.  In fact, you will go through more challenges than you think you can handle.  More times than once, you will want to just crawl in a hole and stay there forever. 

You will hate high school.  It’s not somewhere that you will want to go everyday.  High school is the place that you will meet the one person who single handedly stole everything from you.  Stole your childhood.  Stole your past, present, and what will feel like your future.  And stole most importantly your innocence.  You won’t know what to do for a while after he shatters your soul.  Everyday will be a constant battle and reminder of what he did to you.  Unfortunately, you will learn nothing can mask the pain.

You will have some good times though.  They may be few and far between but you will have some.  Keep those close to you, so if you feel like you can’t go on you can always look back. 

Parents, there is no way to get away from all the yelling they are going to do.  You will have to suck it up and take it.  They will yell at you on a weekly basis.  The sad part is that you will get used to it. 

Your life will be hard.  You won’t have the “cake-walk” that others have.  You’re going to have to work harder than everyone else just to try to stay afloat.  Life won’t be like the movies for you, it’s going to be a challenge.  You will learn a tremendous amount though.  And in the end, you will become a strong person.

Everything is going to feel like an eternity.  It won’t be longer than a year though.  You just need to keep your head up and survive.  When you hit rock bottom remember the only way to go is up!

Future You.

Eyes wide open

First rally of my senior year. Its crazy to think that we are now seniors. It seems like just last year we were freshman. I've been looking back a lot today and realizing that I have grown so much in such a short time. Everyone says that all the time but it really is true. You change more than you even know.

This change you experience can be good or bad. For me its good. At least that's what I think. How I look at life and people is better than how I did 3 years ago. Honestly, its better than even a few months ago. Life changes people. People change lives.

Everything is everchanging. 

Everything has an Effect

So I've learned today that everything you do, has an effect on your future. Every choice you make has a consequence if its not the right choice. And everyone you come in contact with can change your life, if you let them. So choose who your around carefully. And be even more carefully of what you do. You never know what may come of the choices that you make now...

Why I Write

There are many reasons to why I write. Its like a form of therapy for me, you can get out all of your thoughts onto the page without the fear of judgment. A piece of paper doesn't have the impact that a person has, it can't tell you that your writing sucks or that you've made to many mistakes that you shouldn't even bother writing anymore. Writing is a safe place for me to say what I want to, to tell about my experiences may they be good or may they be the most terrifying thing I've ever been put through.

When I write I am able to sat who I really am. I'm able to say that I am Jaymie Lynn, a victim of the cruelness of man, and a survivor in turn. My name may not matter when I write, but I know that my story does. I've learned through reading other peoples work that the bullsh*t we call life happens to others, and I really am not alone. And that my horrible experiences are not one of a kind, but that others have gone through them too.

No one knows my full story. No one knows all of the reasons why I write. Hell I don't even know them myself. I will however tell you that the moment my fingers touch those keys or my pen hits that paper, I am completely relaxed and ready to explore what I am feeling. I write to find that place of peace. To find out who I am right now, in this very moment. Honestly, most of the time I'm just full of sh*t. I don't know who I am! I just sit there and the first thing that cones into my mind, I start to write it all out. A lot of the time its the same topic, the day that my innocence was ripped from me. Many people don't see why I have to revisit that in my writing, and neither do I. Whenever I write about it, I feel like a piece of it is leaving me, and I can hopefully feel safe again. Writing helps me to get to that safe place. I may not feel safe now, or happy, or honestly feel anything, but when I write that is the only time I can feel. I know that what I am writing can affect someone is a positive way, and hopefully help them.

I was asked why I write. I write to get away and help people with my story. I write to find out who the hell I am. I write because I want to. I write because I can.